Day 142

I don't know why but today it really hit me, I guess I was thinking about it too much.

Everyone is dead. All that I have and all I did before the end is worth nothing. Any friends I made, all those good deeds, all those bad ones. As crappy a metaphor as it is, it was just like drawing on an etch-a-sketch before cleaning it off.

I know I've said it in passing but I've never really felt that bad about it; that I made it through when my family and all those I've ever cared about have died. I may even have killed one of them without realising.

Looking back at it I get the feeling I wasn't just protecting myself from it all. It is the new way of life. I guess it is like living in a world where we haven't risen to the top of the food chain and a world we aren't nearly immortal. There are things out there that outnumber us when even one of them can get us.

We kill, we move on. We kill, we move on. That is all I have done since being here. A cycle I hate due to it's diminishing effects of my soul. It is would be a perfect metaphor for depression if it were not real: we end up destroying more and more of our own world and corrupting ourselves and others, until the last few who believe in life still are just flickers amongst the darkness.

We kill. We move on. I'll keep doing it until I die. If we are the last alive yet to be converted, then so be it; humanity was supposed to die in that case and all I will be doing is getting rid of the fragments left within each Rani.

Sam says not to lose faith. Out of over 6 billion people, we can't be the last ones. It just wouldn't make sense. We're not exactly the epitome of humanity, so those better than us will make it too. But I'm not so sure. Wouldn't our circumstances define us also? The best locked in a room at the start of this would stand less of a chance than me up that tree on Day 1. But enough! Too many days have already passed and we should have grieved in that time. I will not again.

I hope you make another day