Day 195

Light and dark this day has been, and ne'er could I have believed I've seen.
A thousand dead marching upon my stop, and only my hand could make them drop.
But ceaseless this is where'er I stand and for what is coming I could not have planned.
And there is only time betwixt me and death, so I must savour any sound, sight, breath.

Jeese, I haven't written a poem in so long that I'd forgotten the focus I get when I take the time to think of the words. Annoyingly, even though my view is good I haven't been able to acheive an escape. If I had a rifle I probably could clear a path, but with a shotgun it's not so easy. I have to be a lot closer, and frankly thats not easy. The short effective kill range isn't really ideal for enemies that like to bum-rush you.

I'm still thinking on it. Ideas anyone?

I hope you make another day

Day 194

The day today was mostly good. Replenished my water and found some crappy food that isn't quite off. Mostly biscuits past their best.

I haven't been able to move about a lot, but I have been able to recharge my electrics, so I am good to go.

Now to rid myself of the Rani watching me and get back home...

I hope you make another day

Day 193

So I'm not cramped any more which is nice. I noticed that the Rani were avoiding one side of the helicopter, so I used it to make my escape.

It wasn't the most fun of times as the rain has been intermittent today. I currently stand on the roof of Kingstone High school. Windows have been broken but it was deserted when I arrived.

It's annoying really as it means I have backtracked to that village again. I also now wonder why I took the long route to get here; sure it was potentially easier to access the site, but it also proved to be more dangerous. Regardless whatever has happened has happened, all I can change is the future really.

The Rani followed me most of the way but they can't get me here at least for now. Problem is I'm not exactly outfitted for a night outside.

Sam is still unable to get to me as well, so for now, we are both alone. Both painfully knowing where the other is.

I hope you make another day

Day 192

Somehow I have to make a move from here very soon. I only have one day's food ration left. No water but a bottle of Coke which isn't awesome for thirst quenching...

Hopefully a better perspective tomorrow.

I hope you make another day

Day 191

It appears to be the day that daylight saving time changes the clocks again. Lost an hour according to my laptop.

I got bored today so I counted the shell casings. Currently I have disposed of or severely damaged 247 Rani. The awful smell seems to enforce that guess.

Still no further on the escape front though.

I hope you make another day

Day 190

Same again. Tedium, tedium... Funny though, who would think that I would fine shooting Rani in real life boring. Ignoring the thrill in the instance the dread and horror still fills me alongside it which is weird...

As battery is still restricted I will post short things until safe.

I hope you make another day

Day 189

The heat was almost unbearable in the helicopter today. Firing the gun made it seem warmer. I know it wouldn't have made it much worse but psychologically it did.

Again not much has happened. I'm getting through Rani reasonably fast though it is making a pile of smell by my window. Sam reports she is getting rid of a number of them also.

I hope you make another day

Day 188

I apologize again but not a lot to report. I haven't a lot of food or water so I'm trying to sleep as much as I can in the vain hope to get more time out of what I have...

I hope you make another day

Day 187

It seems I have not been sleeping enough, today I slept easily 15 hours. It may also have something to do with the restlessness I have knowing that the Rani are there. Anything to a thousand eyes are staring unblinking at me.

My head is not really clear enough today to talk much but there is news.

I searched the helicopter in full today and then the pilot, then soldier. I found one item that interests me and I've put it safely. A fragmentation grenade. My last stand is going to be dangerous for anything near me it seems. Sadly I failed to find any more of them, they would be good to clear large numbers; at the very least they would severely handicap the Rani, I guess even reducing the number of arms or legs they have is enough to save a life. I hope the shock-wave of this thing will cause a large number to stumble, but as I only have one, it is not exactly something I can test right now.

So for now adieu

I hope you make another day

Day 186

I realised last night that I've been stupid. I've relied on luck so much to get through that I slip up time and time again. And either myself or Sam gets injured.

Getting myself hurt is punishment in itself, but I have no right to take the same risks with my partner in arms. To lose her is losing a part of myself. The part that smiles most.

I also realise I have been putting things off that could seem important. Like Day 4. So in the risk I die before I finish it. A summary:

After last post, Day 4

We moved around some more. Stopped and had a drink.

After I finished my sip I passed to others and they didn't drink just screwed up the cap. Very shortly I felt drowsy. I fell to my knees and they signalled Charlie to move over with saying "Your turn". She stepped up and took out a knife which teemed with blood. I realised their purpose and all their shadiness flowed into a realisation. 'Bastards' I managed. Their laughs echoed through my ears getting louder before suddenly stopping.

She knelt and thrust the knife into my chest. I felt winded and looked down. From the angle of the others, they couldn't see she only sliced the surface slightly. It dawned on me: the blood on the knife was mine from the sink and surroundings. She had kept it hidden from them as she unsheathed it. She meant to save me. I looked in shock at her and her face pleaded to me to play dead. The wound wasn't small, just not deep. It flowed freely and I played dead, or more accurately, dying. They took all my stuff except my clothes.

When I woke they were gone. I didn't know what time it was with no watch. I just had a note grasped in my hand tainted in blood, which I still have. "Forgive me, please live".

I tried to figure out what to do then I remembered that most of my stuff was based in that house with the family. The other direction to which they had been heading. I knew I had to bandage up quick but I also knew I had to get away so they couldn't find me again.

That is the shortest summary of Day 4 I can do. It misses out their tricks and me getting back to the house, and how I avoided the Rani, discovering their inability to see you when you stand still in the dark. It is also why I half wanted a confrontation with them when their van was stuck. I shot the Rani with the air rifle back then for none other than Charlie. I hope she is still alive. I hope I meet them again to get her out and take all important to them.

Tomorrow: Day 5 in full.

Today I have been preparing, as well as opening the pilot window and getting rid of a few of the Rani.

Nothing else to report other than Sam says she is safe still and getting rid of a few Rani, though she confirms the worst: there are obviously hundreds.

Oh well. Another day at the end of the world. Nothing new.

I hope you make another day

Day 185

Today didn't go well. It seems the Rani found a way in. Maybe the fence just couldn't stand it anymore.

I was just waking up and going for my morning check when I saw a dozen or so running towards me. At first I couldn't believe it. I thought I had finally snapped. I brought up my pistol and fired a few shots. All hit the horde and my heart sank. I ran blindly into the main building.

In town this barely affected me. Street, street, street, house with entrance and exit. The moment I went into that building I essentially cut myself off from everything.

I turned occasionally turned around to see and found that they were catching up. I made a corner then another, ran into a room and retched. Upon all flukes this was up there. I had found the room filled with our former captors. I made for the window and dived head first as the Rani slammed into the door frame. When I picked myself up I saw they were distracted. At least on one front I had bought myself some time. As I moved on round the outside more came. I couldn't count. I saw one fall in a spray of red, then another and realised Sam was up on the dishes building roof. I looked to find a way there but I was cut off completely. The van was parked near there so that was out. I sighed half expecting my death, but then I remembered a tiny point. Well three points.

I ran to one of the emergency exits, heading towards the helicopters on the land there. Hoping upon hope that the Rani there were making their way round to the entrance they had made. I heard Sam shouting she would be okay and to get out. But I worried none the less in case it was the last I would ever see of her.

In fact a few stragglers remained at the gate but the last few shots from my pistol took care of them.

The last stretch felt like an eternity but I stepped in to the closest one pulling the lifeless body of some poor soldier in with me and sliding the door shut.

The Rani poured up to it but couldn't get through. After a while I heard a beep and remembered I had my bag on me. I looked through to see my phone flashing the name SAM. My first message for about 6 months. Annoyingly this reminded me my walkie was inside the building

"You make it?"

I checked my signal but there wasn't enough to call so I replied "Just. You safe?"

A red dot appeared on the window and moved around a lot then another beep. "Up top. Down is safe but wanted to check."

"I'm okay. Pistol empty. Will check heli."

I rummaged and found a useful tool another walkie like I got on Day 1. I clicked it on and text. A few minutes later I heard her exasperated voice. "Please say you are really okay. I don't want to be alone"

"I'm okay Sam, really. No cuts, no bruises. Do me a favour and check any traps you can see, but don't leave that place and barricade the doors with whatever you can"

"Okay, I'll do that now"

"Also I will be turning this off for now as I don't know how much power it has and I can't charge it. Text if you need anything."

"Okay, take care"

"Sam, you too. I will get back to you as soon as I can"

I spent the rest of the day looking about and I found a few useful things. Kevlar vest. A couple of helmets. A SPAS shotgun and, which made me smile, a crate of shells. An actual crate of ammo. Definitely escape-van worthy. It made me want to find out what is in the other two.

However a worrying issue. The soldier dead on the door and the pilot were both shot in the head. Considering the pilots position and no bullet hole. He was either moved or killed there. Regardless People know about this place. Though they may be dead now...

But for now another lesson. Don't leave any safe house, even if you are only going to an area that is 'mostly safe' unless you are fully armed. A pistol with one clip doesn't count.

Oddly the seats in the copter feel comfortable to sleep on.

I hope you make another day

Day 184

Sam has been quiet the past few days so I have been more concerned with making sure she is okay than with doing things myself. I'd apologise for this but in this case some things are more important than the daily happenings

I hope you make another day

Day 183

The moon tonight is noticeably different. Firstly it has a yellow tint, and secondly it is substantially bigger. It actually fits against the world; it is a shame that I doubt it shall remain like that. But still the Rani seem oblivious.

I hope you make another day

Day 182

When the moon used to get this bright and clear I used to worry that werewolves would get me. I am merely a product of the television generation.

Standing on the roof of one of the dishes, staring at the Rani vaguely lit by only the moon, I get chills and it clouds my mind. Their eyes seem to glow; reflecting all that is from above. An echo from their former lives? Brightness; a symbol of hope. But in truth? I really think there is nothing of them left. Their lifeless eyes see nothing but food...

I hope you make another day

Day 181

And it broke. It's not much but it's raining. Not that it affects the Rani. They just stand and stare, like they always do. Rattle, grumble, stare. It used to infuriate me and that still hasn't changed. I would shout for them to quieten, but their response is predictable. Rattle, grumble, stare.

Nothing to report.

I hope you make another day

Day 180

The weather still holds. As do the fences. As do we.

More plans are in the motion for traps to ensnare the Rani. We don't overly want them dangerous in the case that any further survivors were ever to come here.

I hope you make another day

Day 179

The world felt heavy today, as if it was going to rain. Somehow it held out. It once again echoes my state of mind. So close to breaking, but not quite yet. They say to write what you know when you run out of things to say and that is all I know right now.

Sorry but nothing to report.

I hope you make another day

Day 178

The greatest philosophers in existence could only guess as to what life really was. Most came up with interesting theories like we only perceive life based upon what is around us, and not what is all around the universe, and we can't help but do that. (see Plato's Cave) Obviously that is just a rough idea of it.

So how were we supposed to figure out what we wanted from life, or indeed what the purpose of it was supposed to be?

Now faced with a world torn asunder (as they used to say), how are we supposed to make that same choice? Because in the end it means all life is is death and survival. Death of friends; your survival. Your death; Rani survival. There is no higher purpose. No lower cost for our sanity. Conversations which once had merit now hold nothing but dust. I still find myself gripping on in hope to those discussions of the future, but all the future holds is more of the same. It doesn't make me want to live it any less, but it does take the excitement out of it quite a lot.

I don't know if I've said, but distractions are good. They remind me of my life, and who I am. They make me regret a lot, but at the same time they allow me to remember and focus on what I wanted and want. They make me remember that there is a chance.

To think: if my chance of surviving a day is based upon the survival of others it would mean I cannot calculate my chances correctly. But imagine a basic 1 in a million chance to survive any single day. this means that the chance to survive (I believe) 2 days is million x million. 3 days would be million x million x million. Making my chance to make it to this day exponentially huge. Correct written way I believe is 1000000x10(178). Even if I am wrong in that calculation it means I have had a 1 in 178million chance to make it to today. That kind of calculation is ridiculous but makes you realise the sheer scale of what we have achieved in making it so far. Especially when coupled with the situations we have found ourselves in.

It doesn't make it any less of a worry when looking to the future. Add to that the fact Sam's medication ran out about a week ago and she is trying to hide it from me... Things are going to get complicated shortly.

I hope you make another day

Day 177

Still nothing happening but for the Rani rattling the fence more and trying actually less to get in.

I hope you make another day

Day 176

Weather has been fluctuating a lot recently but nothing else to report.

I hope you make another day

Day 175

Again nothing happened. I would swear the Rani number has increased, but Sam is convinced that it hasn't.

I hope you make another day

Day 174

Other than a brief fall of rain about midday nothing interesting happened.

I hope you make another day

Day 173

Today threatened rain but it seemed to hold out just about.

I want to get things going but I can't seem to concentrate. I'm also not sleeping well. I can't tell if they are related or causative (and if so which way).

I need to try and sort this out. So another short post.

I hope you make another day

Day 172

Another day of inspections. Borders, traps, supplies, weapon readiness, van readiness. Back up plans e.g. getting to the helicopters and hiding in there.

Tired and not feeling really well.

I hope you make another day

Day 171

Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted. Albert Einstein.

I'm not completely sure why I thought of that today, it may have been upon waking and finding Sam still there tidying. It may have been when I saw the Rani and I gripped my gun tighter. It may have been when I remembered the gate. Or when I thought about my life and what I promise to do everyday: Make one more.

I've found the past few days I have been turning my phone on and checking it. Signal is still just about there. No new emails. No facebook updates. Not even any junk mail. Does the Apocalypse really mean no more 'Free V!agra here!1' and chances to transfer money for some Albanian Prince to his long lost obscure family member?

Most importantly. No missed calls. No texts waiting. No one left, at least none who think to contact me. My last text was the 1st September 2010. Did this happen so fast that no one had chances to say goodbye? Nostalgia is bad for the heart, even if it is good for the soul.

At the same time I just can't give up that last little bit of hope. There could be someone else out there. Someone from an ironically worse time that was filled with people I cared about.

As you can tell, nothing significant actually happened today.

I hope you make another day

Day 170

Another day of nothing. Well near enough. I don't really count setting traps as important until I've had chance to see if they actually work.

Hopefully I won't find out for a while.

I hope you make another day

Day 169

Another day of target practice and searching the last few semi-hidden places on site. We now have about 5 or so backup retreats if things go sour.

Hopefully I'll be able to talk more later.

I hope you make another day

Day 168

Another day wandering the border and deciding on our escape route and emergency plan. It's still pretty vague as it all depends on what makes us need to escape.

Nothing much to report again.

I hope you make another day

Day 167

The number of Rani seems to have reached critical mass and they also seem to not be trying as much to get through. I actually feel a little disappointed in this which is strange... A half-assed Rani? It just freaks me out a bit if I'm honest.

I installed a box (i.e. screwed it down) into the van which I've put food in that won't perish fast and I attached a bit more in the way of panelling to the back so that can't be opened easily from the outside. Other than that I haven't really achieved anything today.

I hope you make another day

Day 166

Although it has been a little colder recently I can't stop thinking about how people would cope in colder places in the same situation. And more to the point, what about people who don't have access to such things as we have (weapons, secure places)

Another patrol of the border along with rechecking our supplies which it appears wereactually running a little bit down so we restocked them from the canteen where we could.

That took a surprising amount of energy and with my stiffness it still shows that I haven't full recovered from my injuries.

I hope you make another day

Day 165

Today I caught something out of the corner of my eye. Sam was trying to record me with my camera. I'm not sure what she was trying to establish by doing so but I'm letting her get away with it this time.

We managed to find some welders on site which were probably used for tougher repairs than we used them for but needless to say I've burnt myself a few times and the van doesn't exactly look pretty.

We're also toying with the idea that the doors can't be opened from the outside. Obviously this is risky but it means it is less likely to get damaged or broken into.

Regardless I am tired tonight.

I hope you make another day