Day 178

The greatest philosophers in existence could only guess as to what life really was. Most came up with interesting theories like we only perceive life based upon what is around us, and not what is all around the universe, and we can't help but do that. (see Plato's Cave) Obviously that is just a rough idea of it.

So how were we supposed to figure out what we wanted from life, or indeed what the purpose of it was supposed to be?

Now faced with a world torn asunder (as they used to say), how are we supposed to make that same choice? Because in the end it means all life is is death and survival. Death of friends; your survival. Your death; Rani survival. There is no higher purpose. No lower cost for our sanity. Conversations which once had merit now hold nothing but dust. I still find myself gripping on in hope to those discussions of the future, but all the future holds is more of the same. It doesn't make me want to live it any less, but it does take the excitement out of it quite a lot.

I don't know if I've said, but distractions are good. They remind me of my life, and who I am. They make me regret a lot, but at the same time they allow me to remember and focus on what I wanted and want. They make me remember that there is a chance.

To think: if my chance of surviving a day is based upon the survival of others it would mean I cannot calculate my chances correctly. But imagine a basic 1 in a million chance to survive any single day. this means that the chance to survive (I believe) 2 days is million x million. 3 days would be million x million x million. Making my chance to make it to this day exponentially huge. Correct written way I believe is 1000000x10(178). Even if I am wrong in that calculation it means I have had a 1 in 178million chance to make it to today. That kind of calculation is ridiculous but makes you realise the sheer scale of what we have achieved in making it so far. Especially when coupled with the situations we have found ourselves in.

It doesn't make it any less of a worry when looking to the future. Add to that the fact Sam's medication ran out about a week ago and she is trying to hide it from me... Things are going to get complicated shortly.

I hope you make another day