Day 46

We covered a lot of ground today. We set out to find our goal finally instead of putting it off even further. We now reside in a undisclosed position north of the river. Covering double the distance we normally would (at least) I put it down to the weather. The wind was a heck of a lot heavier than usual and I think this encouraged us to focus on movement.

We took quiet paths that we hadn't covered as yet since the fall of the world. It was strange to walk those paths. The river was so still. I've never seen it look that way, it was kind of creepy if I'm honest.

I know it's bad but I used the time and wind to my advantage: to get some target practice. The rifle seems to cover quite a distance even in wind. I still feel bad about the loitering Rani, but in the end I cannot do much about that. The only real practice of shooting Rani is to actually shoot them. I would think of a comparison but I can't think of a decent one, the only one that springs to mind is visualising where the hole is in golf and aiming for that. The hole's right there. Why not go for it? But still each shot makes me sick. I still wonder: do they still think and scream inside their heads, and will there be a cure? Can they be saved and I am actually killing living human beings? In a way the only thing that makes me able to do it is knowing if I don't they will get someone else eventually, or even get me. Each one of them down increases my survival. Even that thought is sickening... I'm afraid that the only way to view it and stay an outside is that I have a choice, and I feel sick about it, and given the chance I wouldn't do it again. But I'm forced to by some twisted reality.

Sam practised too, she's got a good aim, probably better than me, but she can't stomach the killing of them. 'Our kin may be staggering death for us, but they are still are kin' I think is her opinion.

I won't write much tonight, I am still trying to think: it is important today. What is my 'it'. Though I wonder is there an answer? Is it like life itself with no true answer except what we define in ourselves? I guess that is what Sam means. She has chosen her 'it'; most likely her hope and determination to see the world that she now inhabits. Her observations of things like trees and plants make me wonder if she ever even took the time to see them before all of this... Regardless her purpose is not mine...

My purpose is...

I hope you make another day